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College blues
Replies: 16Last Post Dec. 12, 2016 11:16am by WhyamIhere2016
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Anyone else been going through an existential crisis since Uni? Never been so depressed in my life and now my friends are tired of dealing with it. I'm convinced I'm not the only one because god damn this is a hard time.

I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life in this stupid state of moratorium and uncertainty but obviously have no one to talk to about it because my friends are over it. How are you guys feeling about it?


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I thought uni was where you went to do drugs and get laid.

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I definitely had a down period in my life in college as well. I failed a bunch of my classes and ended up getting kicked out of college for it. It wasn't a fun time in my life.

There were a lot of fun aspects of college, I enjoyed being an RA (even if I wasn't as good at it as I could have been...see above), I liked that I was able to foster great sexual and platonic relationships, I liked being in charge of my own space moreso than when I was living with my parents.

But honestly, looking back, college was FAR from the "best years of my life". I think that I'm IN the best years of my life now (I'm 31), and have been for the past couple of years. These years FAR outweigh college in terms of how great they are and how much opportunity for "greatness" that I have.

Edit: I just realized that you said SINCE uni and not IN uni.

It took me a few years to get on my feet and figure out my life as well. Probably for longer than I "should" have I spent kind of floundering without any direction. I mean, I don't even have a whole lot of direction NOW. And I've done pretty much a 180 since just a year or two ago.

I think that any time you go through a big period of change and growth that it's normal to feel overwhelmed and kind of lost and depressed. Change is scary, especially if you're unsure what you're changing TO.

Post edited at 2:38 pm on Mar. 1, 2015 by JennyColada

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katyduck


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I felt super sad for a long time after uni, but generally only when I thought about it. I would cry from time to time as so many of my best friends had moved away and I missed them. Generally though I was so busy with my job and extra studying for work that I didn't have much time to dwell on it. Plus I was making new friends through work. Are you not working?

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Quote: from JennyColada at 12:34 am on Mar. 2, 2015

I definitely had a down period in my life in college as well. I failed a bunch of my classes and ended up getting kicked out of college for it. It wasn't a fun time in my life.

There were a lot of fun aspects of college, I enjoyed being an RA (even if I wasn't as good at it as I could have been...see above), I liked that I was able to foster great sexual and platonic relationships, I liked being in charge of my own space moreso than when I was living with my parents.

But honestly, looking back, college was FAR from the "best years of my life". I think that I'm IN the best years of my life now (I'm 31), and have been for the past couple of years. These years FAR outweigh college in terms of how great they are and how much opportunity for "greatness" that I have.

Edit: I just realized that you said SINCE uni and not IN uni.

It took me a few years to get on my feet and figure out my life as well. Probably for longer than I "should" have I spent kind of floundering without any direction. I mean, I don't even have a whole lot of direction NOW. And I've done pretty much a 180 since just a year or two ago.

I think that any time you go through a big period of change and growth that it's normal to feel overwhelmed and kind of lost and depressed. Change is scary, especially if you're unsure what you're changing TO.


Sorry to confuse but I'm in my final year so still IN college by all means. Damn you have no idea how comforting it is to hear that you're having some mint times now. It just doesn't look promising from where I'm sitting.

I just don't think I'm having the right experience. I haven't had any sex since I've been here because of a lot of reasons and that kind of makes me feel worse. I can't help but think that maybe if I was having sex I could feel a bit more confident in the fact that I'm seen as sexually desirable. Doesn't help that my housemate is the type of person who meets a lot of girls and I have to sit through seeing them together while I've been alone for the past few years.

I think I'm doing it all wrong and every time I make a plan on how to fix it it falls through because I have diagnosed anxiety and everything on that list needs me not to be. I can't even tell my friends anymore because they're tired of hearing it.

Is it bad that I'm expecting my friends to support me more than they are? I even had a friend tell me "not to kill myself" because she was worried about it but that was it; no what's going on, how can I help just don't do it.

I don't think I should just be waiting for things to get better but I'm at a loss for how to proceed. How did you bounce back from all that?


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Quote: from katyduck at 12:35 am on Mar. 2, 2015

I felt super sad for a long time after uni, but generally only when I thought about it. I would cry from time to time as so many of my best friends had moved away and I missed them. Generally though I was so busy with my job and extra studying for work that I didn't have much time to dwell on it. Plus I was making new friends through work. Are you not working?

I'm still in uni and while some of my friends work I'm not one of them. I have diagnosed anxiety so it doesn't help because every time I come up with a solution I can never get around to doing it because it's so terrifying.

It's weird but I miss my old friends, like my high school friends. The people I met at uni are great I just can't open up to them and it just isolates me all the more. I'm too scared to go out, anyway, so I don't have many chances to hang out with people.


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I don't necessarily think that I did anything specifically to make my life better or to not be down or upset about things in my life.

I think that one of the big turning points in my life was when I did a study abroad section. However, prior to that I literally had not spoken to my parents for about 7 months. (Mainly I was embarrassed for failing out of college so I just ignored them rather than actually tell them about it.)

I think doing that (the study abroad, not ignoring my parents) kind of put things in perspective about what I want from my life: I moved, got a full time job, didn't register for any college courses (I had been taking 2-3 courses at a community college in the same city as the uni that I failed out of). Was it exactly where I wanted to be? No. But it eventually got me there.

I think just knowing that I'm no longer doing what I DIDN'T want to do helped, and it wasn't so much that I was doing something that I DID want to do (I wasn't really doing that either). But it just helped to know that I was on the right path. Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesn't.

I can relate to you equating sexual desireability with confidence. I'm very similar. My partner is pretty non-sexual, so it's a bit of a struggle for us to meet in the middle where we're both happy and confident. I put a lot of value in my sexual ego, and a big part of how I see my personality is tied into my sexuality. So I've had a ton of casual sex. I also got much more experimental outside of college (but I think that was just mainly due to having the means and the right partners to do so, it was nothing for or against college itself).

I'm sorry that your friends aren't supporting you in a way that you want. Sometimes it can be tough, because we don't really know what we're doing right (or wrong) unless someone tells us. But sometimes it's hard to vocalize what we need in terms of emotional support, all we know is if we're not getting it. I imagine that having anxiety isn't helpful either, because you likely don't feel comfortable communicating your needs so directly to others. It puts you in a tricky place where you're unable to say what you need and want, but you aren't getting it, and to change that you really do need to express your needs and wants. Tough one. I think it's easy for me to say to look at what your friends are TRYING to express. For example, I mentioned that my partner isn't very overtly sexual. Because of this, sometimes it can be hard for me to recognize his affection (since it usually isn't physical). I really need to work on seeing the meanings behind some of his actions (like, the fact that he makes me tea every morning, or that he makes sure that I'm always stocked up on the shampoo that I use). It's easy for me to just sit there and think "he doesn't care about me! He doesn't love me! He doesn't desire me!", but really that would be incorrect. While you may really want your friends to just ask you genuinely how your day is, being able to change your thinking to recognize "don't kill yourself" as more in line with "I care about you and want you to be around more".

This got really wordy, and I'm not sure if any of this will make sense to you (some of what I wrote hardly made sense to me! Haha!). It does suck to feel like you just have to sit and twiddle your thumbs and wait for life to get better. Feeling like you're out of control of your own path in life can be very frustrating and scary and upsetting. It's not so much that you're WAITING, really just as much as giving yourself time to grow and think and understand your needs and wants so that you can act on them when you're in a better place to do so.

Post edited at 3:43 pm on Mar. 1, 2015 by JennyColada

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Or frightened (Eeek!), or mad (Rats!)
An interjection starts a sentence right.


3:37 pm on Mar. 1, 2015 | Joined: July 2002 | Days Active: 3,370
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Nah you are making 100% sense and I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this out. It's really comforting and frankly has made my day a lot brighter especially just knowing someone understands what I'm feeling right now.

I think about running away A LOT, but actually just dropping everything and moving to another country, finding a meaningless job just to get away from all of this. I completely feel what you're saying about not doing what you know you don't want to do. I think a lot of this stress is coming from that and is probably where my friends are getting the suicidal vibe from. I get what people say about those that kill themselves not necessarily being afraid of death but just being afraid of the life they're living. I think it all comes down to escaping and maybe I need to just get out and completely change my life, even though that's easier said than done.  

I see what you're saying about noticing the different ways people show their love. I think I dig myself into a trench I can't see out of so I get blinded to a lot of things. I get into moods and I push my friends away and then I'm left alone to cry about how much of an asshole I am. I think I finally realized that I'm nasty to my friends when I think they don't care about me because it scares me to know they're essentially rejecting me. So it's like I want to give them an easy reason as opposed to it being down to who I am which would mean I have to actually be a different person. I can't help it, too, because when I'm angry I get irrational and no matter how much I tell myself "hold up now what's the actual problem" my angry neanderthal brain always has an, admittedly convincing, answer.

Bah sorry I'm just blabbing on, but it really is a comfort knowing you've been through something similar. And just that you've taken the time to read my post is comforting because I haven't had anyone to speak to since I've moved to the UK, so I can't thank you enough.

Post edited at 3:58 pm on Mar. 1, 2015 by Aphrodite54


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Omg, I can TOTALLY relate to pushing your friends away. I do this to my romantic partners ALL THE TIME. Anytime I'm upset I get really passive aggressive and end up doing stupid things to hurt myself in some misplaced sense of hurting my partner (but it doesn't, it hurts me). It's silly and stupid and likely something I will continually struggle with forever (although I've been working on it!).

Just recognizing that fact about myself was a big stepping stone in helping fix it (and honestly, you're ahead of me in this aspect, since I didn't really recognize it as a problem until I was like 25). It's sort of a way of not taking responsibility, since I tried to push off all of my hurt and anger onto others or make myself feel like it's isn't a "choice" (I'd push people away and then have a pity party for myself about not having them around, as though THEY are they ones hurting ME when I'M the one hurting BOTH of us).

Even now, in my ripe old age of 31, I still feel myself push away my partner when I'm upset. Like I said, it's something I'm working on. It's something that comes up every time I have a disagreement with my partner. At least I don't leave the house anymore (I just hide in one of the spare bedrooms), so it's a start. But I'm constantly guilty of walking away from disagreements (that I started) and otherwise becoming a recluse in my own negative emotions. On one hand, I have the rational part of my brain that says "hey Jenny, this isn't cool. Go talk to him rationally" and then I have the irrational part of my brain that's just yelling "he's such a meanie! You should go away since it will never be happy again!" It's tricky, trying to put more value on the rational side of my thinking while not totally discounting my emotions (even the irrational emotions are important to growth and understanding).

For me, practice makes...easier (not perfect). Every time I get upset, it's a new challenge to overcome, and a new time to work on being able to solve these situations rationally. Every time I get upset, I have the option to talk it out with my partner or hide and pout. I try to be open with him and tell him "this is how I react to negative emotions. I know it's not good. This is what I need from you to be able to react to them better." We've agreed that if it gets to the point that I want to walk out of the room and go hide, to be open and tell him "I can't talk about this anymore. I'm tired and I need some time alone. Can we re-discuss this later when I'm feeling better?" Obviously this won't work in 100% of the cases, but just knowing that there is A solution that we've discussed is helpful in SOME of the cases (which is better than 0!). Also, since he knows that I deal with being upset by pouting and hiding, he is able to watch out for them, and is more likely to extend his support if I'm appearing extra distant. Again, not a perfect science (sometimes he doesn't realize that I'm watching TV in the bedroom with the door closed because I'm upset, and sometimes he doesn't realize that my usual "sitting on the couch" behavior is actually more distant than usual), but something is better than nothing.

Basically, as I've learned through my years of failed relationships, it's that I need a partner that is able to help me become a better me in ways that I'm not succeeding at. The hope is that I am able to help my partner be a better him in ways that he's not succeeding at too.

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So when you're happy (Hurray!), or sad (Aw!),
Or frightened (Eeek!), or mad (Rats!)
An interjection starts a sentence right.


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Holy shit Jenny. Stop typing.

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So when you're happy (Hurray!), or sad (Aw!),
Or frightened (Eeek!), or mad (Rats!)
An interjection starts a sentence right.

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Hahah no Jenny this is all good! Detail of your response is great, I can't stress how much I appreciate it. :)

It sounds pretty sweet like you've got quite the system going. And it can only get better from there, really. I don't know it gets hard to talk to my housemate who's arguably my closest friend right now. I think she understands that that's how I get but I don't know I just hate the way she goes about it. Like today we had a fight all because of me being and asshole and she just up and left. She left at like 5 and it's 1 am now; I knew as soon as she left she wouldn't be coming back even though she originally said she would. So I just sit here playing shit over in my head with absolutely no friends to talk to and I don't know what to do. I just keep digging myself deeper and I don't have the same support that you do in that way. I really wish there was someone that cared enough about me to want to better me as a person but my friends see each other more like "we can be friends as long as you're cool and the way you are, otherwise we won't be until you change again".

I miss the support I used to have in high school, so I find myself getting nostalgic about those times even though they were probably worse than now. I think you should consider yourself very lucky that you have someone like that because honestly I'm real jelly it sounds like a sweet deal! It's good that you know, too, how you respond to certain situations. To be fair I've only come to the realization recently but it hasn't done much in changing things. And I've been like that all my life; I've treated my family the same way especially when I was discovering my sexuality. I thought if I stopped loving them first I could beat them to it so I didn't have to be rejected when it came to it.

I think I just need to stop depending on others and stop expecting things from them. Just start depending on myself, even though that seems impossible right now given everything. I feel like I've lost a lot of independence I had and I don't have confidence that I can stand on my own two feet. I just despise how much of my time this reaps and I know I'll regret it down the line. I just want a really close friend to tell me it'll be okay and maybe give me a little hug but honestly even though I want the affection I'm actually really awkward when I get it. I've noticed whenever someone tries to be affectionate I pull back which just makes this worse later. It's all a big cycle: I am so depressed I need affection yet I am so self conscious I can't accept it which makes me depressed so I need affection...  


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It took me a long time to really explain my boyfriend how I act when I am depressed and sad, even if it is just those days and nothing serious. A few times we almost broke up because stupid things just because I was depressed over something and he dealt with it in a wrong way for me.
Friends are much harder. I don't have close friends who know me for real, know my past and stuff like that. I am afraid telling people I tried suicide because once I do the next time I am feeling low they give me the extra care and attention just to prevent me from harming myself which is only making things worse. So to avoid that I just distance myself from people and ignore them acting a lot snobbish and selfish and completely the opposite of what I am.

Ever since the accident I am back to thinking about dropping out. (In the last year of university). I am doing well, very well actually, but I feel just like Jenny said about not doing things you don't want to do. I changed so much in the past 4 years I can't really say I really want the same things and the studying just make things worse. I don't know if I want to study anything because I feel I will change my mind every 2 years because I will find things that interests me more in that time.
---------------------------------------
Back on track....
It is important to realize how you react to situations and being honest with yourself, it takes years to take things under control and become stronger to deal with them. You are on the right way.
I don't know if you should stop depending on others and expecting things from them would really help, I mean it would help in a way, but your approach seems now more like giving up on people because you are too down to make a good friendship. On the other hand, this is the way you can really find a good and real friend to support you. It is hard, especially in that time, but a real close friend (may be even your partner) will help you a lot to deal with it in a long run. Remember, there will always be a lot of ups and downs, and a good friend will be there for you in your downs just like in your ups. A lot of the time I feel my friends are there for me only and that I am not there for them, but sometimes it is just the way it supposed to be. You have to know that there might be people who will be there for you and not expecting or  even not needing you to be there for them. It is important to talk about stuff like that.
Talk to a close friend about the way you react and it is great you know that and can openly talk about it. A good friend won't be hurt once he/she knows how you react and what you really want and need. Each one of us has a different defensive mode which a friend has to deal with in order to get to you to support you.
*hugs*
I really hope things will get better. )

Welcome back again, I missed you. *hugs*

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Hi KathyN, it's damn nice to be back, great to see you here! :)

This is all really comforting knowing I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way and deals with things like this. College is a fucking weird time, I remember even thinking that when I was leaving high school. I kept thinking holy shit I have to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? The idea of making the wrong decision and realizing half way through wasting my time was absolutely terrifying to me. Still is, to be honest, because I just have no idea what I'm doing. I even applied for a postgraduate that I keep questioning myself if I'll be happy doing. As a kid I kept changing what I wanted to be when I grew up, and that turned out really bad for me because I never settled on an identity. For a while I thought I wanted to be an actor because then I thought I never have to just be one identity I can try everything. Didn't work out for me, mostly because my parents were too scared of me becoming an unsuccessful actor with no money to live, but I still fantasize about it sometimes.

The thing about friends is I've realized I lost the friends I had that I could go to. I'm not close enough with those friends anymore so I get too embarrassed thinking about messaging them to tell them what's up. And fuck Facebook because it looks like I'm having such a good time no one can tell I think about killing myself like I think about my next meal plan. The only friend I have here at uni is my housemate and she just doesn't understand. She's an extremely extroverted charismatic and happy person who has a life I'm honestly really jealous of and it isn't a nice reminder showing me who I'm not.

Then when she can't understand I get really frustrated because she just doesn't seem to care. When she doesn't care I pull away and I get pissed so maybe I can give her a reason and maybe if I'm aggressive I don't ever have to get defensive. So we had a fight and she left yesterday and she hasn't come back since, it's like 1PM here and I always fuck myself over like this. I can tell she's doing it to spite me, to make me feel worse, and that just pisses me off all the more.

This has gotten really long, sorry about that. I guess I would love some new friends but I just don't know where to find them. I think I'm caught in a loop I can't quite get out of.


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Quote: from Aphrodite54 at 3:04 pm on Mar. 2, 2015

Hi KathyN, it's damn nice to be back, great to see you here! :)

This is all really comforting knowing I'm definitely not the only one who feels this way and deals with things like this. College is a fucking weird time, I remember even thinking that when I was leaving high school. I kept thinking holy shit I have to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? The idea of making the wrong decision and realizing half way through wasting my time was absolutely terrifying to me. Still is, to be honest, because I just have no idea what I'm doing. I even applied for a postgraduate that I keep questioning myself if I'll be happy doing. As a kid I kept changing what I wanted to be when I grew up, and that turned out really bad for me because I never settled on an identity. For a while I thought I wanted to be an actor because then I thought I never have to just be one identity I can try everything. Didn't work out for me, mostly because my parents were too scared of me becoming an unsuccessful actor with no money to live, but I still fantasize about it sometimes.

The thing about friends is I've realized I lost the friends I had that I could go to. I'm not close enough with those friends anymore so I get too embarrassed thinking about messaging them to tell them what's up. And fuck Facebook because it looks like I'm having such a good time no one can tell I think about killing myself like I think about my next meal plan. The only friend I have here at uni is my housemate and she just doesn't understand. She's an extremely extroverted charismatic and happy person who has a life I'm honestly really jealous of and it isn't a nice reminder showing me who I'm not.

Then when she can't understand I get really frustrated because she just doesn't seem to care. When she doesn't care I pull away and I get pissed so maybe I can give her a reason and maybe if I'm aggressive I don't ever have to get defensive. So we had a fight and she left yesterday and she hasn't come back since, it's like 1PM here and I always fuck myself over like this. I can tell she's doing it to spite me, to make me feel worse, and that just pisses me off all the more.  

This has gotten really long, sorry about that. I guess I would love some new friends but I just don't know where to find them. I think I'm caught in a loop I can't quite get out of.


What activities do you do outside of the college?

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0h h3ll n0


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whereabouts did you move to in the UK?

you can make a lot of like-minded friends through  joining a bunch of uni societies, volunteering (here's a good site that matches you based on your preferences) and attending group events on sites like meetup. sports clubs are also a great way to meet people.

have you ever tried talking to one of the counsellors at your uni? i think it's pretty common for uni not to be this amazing experience it seems to be for so many people.

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